“Recovery has given me a life”
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
My truth is this: the undying and ever-growing love I have for my beautiful babies gave me the sheer strength to overcome my addiction.
My life began in a dysfunctional household that lacked love, stability, and any real sense of belonging. My family had deep Glaswegian roots, and alcoholism was entrenched in our way of life. Growing up in that environment, I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, a street-wise survival instinct, and a toxic victim mindset.
“I had no tools to manage life properly.”
By the age of eleven, I had already discovered that alcohol and cannabis could soothe my painfully low self-esteem. Those substances became my escape, a way to numb my shattered young mind. My self-destruction led to me being expelled from secondary school. I was rebellious, unwilling to conform, and completely lost.
It wasn’t surprising when I ended up in the care system—I had no tools to manage life properly. But despite everything, I did have some enriching experiences. At eighteen, I moved to Madrid and became an au pair for four different families. I even learned to speak Spanish fluently.
When I returned home to Wales, I met the father of my children. We fell into a relationship quickly, and I became pregnant early on. Our beautiful daughter, Hollie Anna, was born with a rare congenital condition called Septo-Optic Dysplasia. She was blind, immobile, and unable to speak. The heartbreak of our daughter’s condition fueled our addiction, but at the same time, a love was born within me that knew no bounds. No matter what adversities I faced, my love for Hollie never wavered.
“I was determined to change.”
Domestic violence crept into our relationship, and we became increasingly dependent on substances to cope. Co-dependency defined both of our failed marriages. Then, twelve years after Hollie was born, I became pregnant again with our son, Zakarriah. He was born healthy, and we were in awe of both of our children—so different yet equally miraculous.
Zak gave me a newfound strength, and I was determined to change. By then, I was deeply entrenched in heroin addiction, but I was committed to being a mother free from its grip. For a year and a half, I raised Zak alone, but eventually, my drug and alcohol use took over again.
By the time he was seven, I couldn’t bear the self-destruction anymore—the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual pain was unbearable. I attempted suicide, and Zak went to live with his paternal grandmother. My drug and alcohol worker saw how quickly I was spiraling and secured funding for me to enter rehab. I had been begging for help, and finally, I got it. That was almost eight years ago now.
As part of the Affinity project—now called Dechrau Newydd—I went through detox and then rehabilitation. I was two years sober when I faced the hardest moment of my life. In 2016, I lost my precious Hollie. It was devastating, but I made her a solemn promise: no matter what comes my way, I will remain sober and keep moving forward. My love for her is unshakeable, and that promise keeps me going.
My relationship with Zak is built on trust, care, and pure, unconditional love. We laugh together, we connect, and I am present for him in a way I never was before. There are challenges, of course—especially after we lost his father to addiction last September. But I am here, and I am strong for him.
“I am available, I am reliable”
Today, I am a mother in every sense of the word. I am available, I am reliable, and I am a role model. I am living proof that you can recover from addiction, no matter how hopeless it once seemed.
Recovery has given me a full and rewarding life. I have earned five awards for my journey, I have my own flat, and I passed my driving test in recovery—I now have the freedom of my own car. I’ve nearly completed four years of studying Counselling and Psychotherapy at Diploma Level 4-5. I’m training as a counsellor and volunteering as a support worker for a leading bereavement charity.
I live my life with humility and a heart for helping others. That’s my truth. It is the love of my children that gave me the strength to overcome my addiction. Through God’s grace and eternal love, I am truly free. And I embrace the beautiful mother I am today.
