"Three Bottles a Day"

“Losing the routine of my working life really hit me hard” 

Losing the routine of my working life really hit me hard. I had always enjoyed a drink, growing up in the Valleys with a love of rugby. But as I got older, my drinking got worse. I had a long, successful career in the Civil Service, but in the decade before I retired, I was drinking a bottle of spirits a day. 

I drank way too much, but believe it or not, I was still high functioning. I was married with three kids. Two of my boys were in school, and my youngest needed looking after, so I took six months off work to care for him. But then, when I accepted voluntary early retirement, my drinking got even worse. Losing that daily structure made a huge difference. I was never a violent drunk—always a happy one—but I was drinking more than ever.

 “Within a year, I’d gone from one bottle to two bottles of spirits a day.” 

 Within a year, I’d gone from one bottle to two bottles of spirits a day. We were financially secure, so I never had to worry about affording it. Another year later, I was up to three bottles of vodka a day. And yet, for large parts of the day, I was still functioning. I wasn’t suffering physically—not in the way you’d think. Of course, if I didn’t drink in the morning, I’d shake uncontrollably, but I still felt in control. 

I knew what I was putting my family through, so I decided to try and quit for the first time. I didn’t have much support, but I managed to cut down significantly over two months. Then I tried to stop completely, and that’s when I had a seizure. It happened right in front of my wife and kids—it was awful. That was the breaking point. My wife and I decided I needed to move out, so I went to live with my dad in Bargoed. He didn’t drink and just couldn’t understand it. If you haven’t been there, it’s really hard to grasp. 

“It was like my brain was always looking for an excuse to drink.” 

 After the separation, I reconnected with an old girlfriend, Michelle. She was determined to help me get sober. Over the next two years, I had periods where I managed to stay off it, but then I’d go on a binge—sometimes for four weeks straight. Anything could trigger it. It was like my brain was always looking for an excuse to drink. 

Michelle helped me get in touch with GDAS, and they were incredible. Honestly, I wouldn’t have stopped without her strength—she’s an absolute saint. I met my counsellor, and he just got it. I think he had lived through it himself, and that made all the difference. For two years, I’d been desperately trying to quit, but for the first time, I felt like someone truly understood—the dependency, the lies, the dark moments. That changed everything for me. 

Strengthening my Resolve 

I kept seeing my counsellor for about a year, and there were periods where I stopped drinking altogether. I knew in my heart I wanted to give it up, but physically and mentally, I wasn’t quite there yet. 

After two years in Newport, I got serious about recovery. I engaged with GDAS every week, and they even offered family support for Michelle, which was so important. It’s a tough road, and without that guidance, she might not have been able to keep going either. 

That’s when I was referred to the clinical team, and we talked about Antabuse. It was a game changer. Before, I could sneak a drink here and there, but with Antabuse, I couldn’t risk it. I was on it for a year, and it really strengthened my resolve.  

“I still get cravings, but I’ve learned how to deal with them.” 

I still get cravings, but I’ve learned how to deal with them. I write, I paint… I started putting together a book chronicling all our family holidays to France, using pictures and maps. My two youngest only had vague memories of those trips, so I wanted to capture them. I’ve also been working on illustrating our family history—my late uncle was a hoarder and kept loads of documents and letters, which makes it all really personal. 

Along with my hobbies, I’m lucky to have good friends. Some I’ve known since my rugby and football days, and they’ve stuck with me through everything. That network has been key to my recovery. 

When I came off Antabuse, I was terrified, but I’ve now been sober for three years. Christmas is always tough—especially after losing my dad in September. Even something as simple as writing Christmas cards can be a trigger because I used to do that drunk. My brain still tries to find a reason to drink because, for so long, I lived that way. But on the hardest days, just knowing GDAS is there if I need them is a huge comfort.